Malice in Burtonland

 

It’s never a good sign when going to a movie feels like a chore before the film’s even begun. That was kind of the feeling I had going to Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland tonight. There was time when I eagerly awaited anything the filmmaker had his name on. Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure is still one of my all-time fave films; I was nuts for the first two Batman movies that he helmed (seriously, I owned the gawd-awful Prince soundtrack to the first one on both tape and CD – the shame!); Ed Wood is one of the greatest films about a filmmaker ever made; Beetlejuice – classic insanity; A Nightmare Before Christmas (although he didn’t direct it, it’s still clearly his baby) becomes more endearing with age; and there’s loads of heart in Edward Scissorhands. I even have a soft spot for Mars Attacks! and all of its cinematic in-jokes – Burton’s first critical flop.

Aside from the lacklustre reviews, Mars Attacks! was a turning point for Burton as a visual artist. It’s his first movie to employ extensive computer animation. According to Wikipedia, he was persuaded by Warner Brothers to use it, rather than the planned stop-motion animation, in order to keep the budget down to $80 million. After the film under-performed, he made Sleepy Hollow, which felt like him playing it safe, with a classic story, more practical effects and a return to the fairy-tale atmosphere that made him famous (though in reality, it was probably already green-lit before Sleepy Hollow came out). I watched Sleepy Hollow again not too long ago, and while I enjoy the look of it and Christopher Walken’s hellish performance as the Horseman, the story is rather flat.

Of course, Burton’s worst effort to date came after that: the pointless Planet of the Apes remake. More CGI-laden titles followed, all of which are worth a watch for the abundant eye-candy but suffer in the Story and Character departments: Big Fish, Corpse Bride and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which I couldn’t even watch after seeing Johnny Depp’s irritating performance in the trailers. I do, however, think that Sweeney Todd is a fantastic film. (Note that it’s the most horror-centric thing he’s done in years, and had one of his smallest budgets in a long time.)

Watching Alice in Wonderland felt like yet another trip to the Imagination Factory. Welcome to Burton Inc., Johnny Depp is your kooky chaperone, see if you can recognize Helena Bonham-Carter’s latest disguise, watch for your favourite character actors, immerse yourself in the magical strains of Danny Elfman, and, rest assured, we’ll show you plenty of whimsy, which can also be purchased in the gift shop on your way out. Granted, that’s a very cynical way of describing a movie that contains so much artistry – from the castles, to the costumes, to the contact lenses – but Alice feels more like it rolled off the Disney assembly line that anything I’ve seen of Burton’s to date.Even that familiar twisted, leafless tree that seems to appear in all of his films, simply reminded me that Guillermo Del Toro did this dark fantasy world so much better in Pan’s Labyrinth.

Worse, though, was the sometimes choppy mix of live-action and computer animation. I saw the film in 3D, and there were parts that really called attention to themselves (the big, rounded tree in the opening sot, for example). And then there was Crispin Glover’s herky-jerky animated body that was far from seamless.

I’d love to see Burton (pictured, directing Alice star Mia Wasikowska) step out of his comfort zone and get back to his roots. Ditch Depp, Elfman and the CGI; write something original that speaks to his darker tendencies; and, above all else, bring back the misunderstood weirdos that we could identify with. Or hell, just make another Pee-Wee movie. You don’t need a $50 million dollar CGI budget to entertain me, just Paul Reubens in a bow-tie, thanks.

 

-Dave Alexander

Chuck Norris: 70 and Still Kickin'

Time stands still for no man… except Chuck Norris, because it’s too scared to move a muscle. That seems likely, as yesterday was the famous tough guy’s 70^th birthday and he looks twenty year younger. Of course, it’s easier to stop time with, not a roundhouse, but a facelift, hairpiece and a dyed beard. Chuck’s in that trying-to-turn-back-the-clock club with Dick Clark, Burt Reynolds and William Shatner, except he’s in wicked shape, and tough enough to punch a grizzly bear inside-out. And like Shatner, he’s become this kind-of ironic cult hero, a throwback of cheesy masculinity from a bygone era. The former air force pilot turned martial arts champion turned actor was elevated to pop culture punchline thanks to the online Chuck Norris Facts, which started about five years ago. For such an old school, he’s really benefitted from internet.

What I find interesting about the guy is that, unlike, say, Shatner, he’s also got many fans who take him very seriously. He’s got this weird fanbase of people who appreciate him as this ironically mythical figure, and those who genuinely believe he’s a national hero, and they’re on opposite ends of the political spectrum for the most part.

Y’see Norris is a dyed in the beard, er, wool Republican, who even stumped for Governor Mike Huckabee in the 2008 election. According to Wikipedia, he’s against public school condoning homosexuality, supports gun rights and he supported the California Proposition-8 ban on same sex marriage. And, apparently, he believes in intelligent design, so he might not be nearly as swift as his roundhouse (after all, Chuck Norris thinks with his fists!) – although I would like to see him go toe-to-noodle with The Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Inevitably, the people who think Chuck Norris is cool like a role model and those who think he’s cool like a unicorn cross paths and hilarity ensues. CNN made note of his 70^th and put out a call to “hear your best facts about the action hero in the comments below.”

Just a quick sampling reveals people re-posting a bunch of the best “facts,” such as “In Chuck Norris' beard, there is no chin… only another fist,” “Chuck Norris destroyed the Periodic Table of Elements because he only recognizes the element of surprise” and “When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris” – classics!

But among the jokes, like every other single comment thread on CNN, are the political squabbles. Froggy22 says, “Happy Birthday, Chuck! You are a good and true man, a real American, and I applaud you. When Walker Texas Ranger was on tv, we always watched, it was a pleasure to see an upright and honest man fighting crime! Villains and bad guys got their just desserts, which is too rare in America today. I am sick of "girlymen" and whimps, you are a joy! Keep up the good work.”

ATLEaglesFan replied, “To Froggy22 & the other Palin followers what constitutes a "REAL AMERICAN"??? Being of Caucasian descent by chance. I put Chuck in the same category as you so borrowing from the Dukes of Hazzard theme "Just a good ol' boy never meaning no Harm”

Sam69 stated, “We really need more Stars like you in Hollywood Chuck. Not the drug addicted thrice divorce garbage we have now, that fly around the world, kissing the feet of horrible murderous dictators.” (I have no freakin’ clue what this person talking about either.)

MCO2 notes, “Never liked him, never will; especially in light of the right-wing christian-ey BS stuff.”

Uscgvet says, “Happy birthday to Mr. Norris. I was amused as I read through the comments. Liberals are funny...not too smart but funny. Not one person on here who could carry his brief case. Libs will seek any forum to publish their garbage and verbal attacks...especially on a person who has moral character.  Well, I gues the libs do have those they can look to for moral decency...such as...Slick Willie, Hellary, Frank, et al. Go get em Chuck.  Time for another series!”

Flabaghastid says, “Zero respect for a man who shows up on Christian scam shows, with all those con-artists.

And then there’s JJP3000: “Who is Chuck Norris and why do we care?” Ha!

These are just a selection of the shorter comments in the nearly 150-long thread (click on that CNN link abobe to read it) – some incensed Norris lovers (and haters) wrote mini-essays on his status as a “real man,” his fighting record, how Bruce Lee would kick his ass and so on. Chuck Norris is a divider... and not only with his side-chop.

Regardless of how you feel about the man, I strongly encourage you to indulge in the phenomenon that is Chuck Norris and watch one of his ass-kicking classics. Maybe this weekend I’ll buy a denim shirt, toss on The Octagon and see if I can knock out my own shadow with a roundhouse.

 

-Dave Alexander

Live Blogging the 2010 Academy Awards

8:05 Well, here go, time to watch people wearing outfits worth more than my car, congratulate each other. I'm watching on CTV, so I can witness Ben Mulroney look more like a Pixar bad guy by the second. In fact, I'm not even sure he's real. Whoever animated his hair could've done a better job.

8:07 Speaking of hair, it's Zac Efron on the red carpet. Should you model yourself after a Twilight character if you're not even in the movies?

8:12 In case you hadn't heard, this year the Academy made changes to the awards show to increase viewership and, you can bet, to sell more advertising. Hence the ten nominees for Best Picture. Other changes include axing the musical numbers and making the acceptance speeches 45 seconds-long, max. I can definitely do without the cloying musical numbers but it seems like trimming the speeches will strip the humanity out of the thing. Expect pissed off movie stars.

8:17 I agree that there's no need for ten nominees. I'd kill the following: Up, A Serious Man, The Blind Side, Avatar and An Education. Not bad films, by any means, but not as great as the other nominees.

8:22 Tina Fey! Tina Fey! Tina Fey!

8:24 Waitaminute, did that host just say that Miley Cyrus has now "mastered comedy?!?" AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

8:27 really hope Jeff Bridges wins (obviously, he's The Dude). He actually referenced The Big Lebowski in his acceptance speech at the Independent Spirit Awards, saying that the award will "really tie the room together." More here.

8:30 That's it for the pre-show. Let the what-not begin...

8:32 So, the Oscars are 82. They should really get little gold walkers for those statues.

8:35 Ha ha! Need more awesome for your Oscars? Just add Neil Patrick Harris. Greatest tux ever. Off to a good start.

8:36 It's Steve Martin, Razzie award nominee for The Pink Panther 2.

8:39 Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin. Two normally hilarious guys + one clunky scripted opener = fail. Although points for the Streep Nazi memorabilia crack and the Precious video game comment.

8:40 Really guys, the obvious Woody-Harrelson-is-high joke? Laaaaaaaaaaaame...

8:41 Wow, we're barely ten minutes in and two Nazi jokes. That's gotta be a first.

8:45 Best Supporting Actor time. Christoph Waltz hands down owns this category. His performance in Inglorious Basterds floored me.

8:46 Ha! Called it. Well-deserved, sir.

8:49 OK, dude, enough with the seafaring voyage metaphors.

8:50 The Blind Side... Why is this hokey, cliched movie nominated for Best Picture? Oh, because it's a "true story, as American as football." Pffffft...

8:56 At last year's San Diego Comic-Con, I was sitting in a room waiting for Peter Jackson to show up for the District 9 press conference, when Cameron Diaz walked in with her entourage, apparently searching for her own press conference. She chatted up the journalists for a few minutes and was very nice.
Yeah, sorry that story isn't actually interesting.

8:58 Go Fantastic Mr. Fox for Best Animated Feature.

9:00 Well, I guess it's no surprise that the only animated feature also to be nominated for Best Picture would win this category. Fox was way cooler, though. Love that old-school stop-motion animation look to it.

9:03 Best Original Song category. There can be only one, and that one had better be Crazy Heart. A must-own soundtrack.

9:05 Sweet, win for Crazy Heart. Now I wish they had those musical performances.

9:08 District 9 can never win because it's a sci-fi film (but I'm sure that door will open further if Avatar wins), but it sure deserves that nomination. Original, intelligent, so well made and what an awesome way to deliver a message about apartheid.

9:14 Best Original Screenplay. I'd go with Hurt Locker, a very deep character study and a script like no other. Totally original.

9:16 Nice, win for Hurt Locker. Inglourious Basterds would've been a helluva choice too, though.

9:18 Jeez, didn't think I'd be seeing Molly Ringwald at the Oscars. Too bad it's because John Hughes died. She looks great too.

9:19 Anyone else think it's a crime that the dude who played Cameron in Ferris Bueller's Day Off never went on to have a bigger career?

9:22 John Cryer once sat behind me at a film festival once. Saw my short film, even laughed at the right spots.

Again, sorry that story isn't better.

9:23 When did Judd Nelson turn into 1990s-era Mickey Rourke? And wow, look, a Culkin! And it's the one that's almost as elusive as a leprechaun. If you can catch him, he has to give you his pot of residual cheques from the Home Alone movies. True story.

9:24 R.I.P John Hughes...

9:28 Yep, the short film categories. Enjoy your bathroom break.

9:33 Logorama won for animated short. I'd love to see the shorts, I wish they could stream them on the Oscars site.

9:35 Who's that obnoxious women who jumped onstage during the acceptance speech for the short doc Music by Prudence? A producer, I guess? Looks like that guy holding the award wanted to punch her. Heck, I kinda wanted to punch her.

9:36 Best Short, Live Action winner is The New Tenants. You back from the can yet?

9:38 HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ben Stiller as a Smurf Cat! Brilliant. And he made the night's third Nazi joke. I don't think James Cameron is too amused.

About the Avatar makeup, that is.

9:41 Best Makeup. I'm pulling for Star Trek.

9:42 Trek it is.

9:44 The Dude is talking about A Serious Man. Ironic. Too bad the film was a serious bore most of the time.

9:48 Best Adapted Screenplay. Precious should probably win this one, but I'd love to see the under-the-radar In the Loop win. Geez, how did they find a clip from the film that wasn't full of profanity.

9:50 Yep, here come the wins for Precious. Not that the film doesn't deserve 'em, though.

9:52 Hail to the Queen... Latifah.

9:54 Amazing to see Roger Corman there. He' s one of my film idols. I can't believe that he and Lauren Bacall get a scant brief standing ovation for the televised part of the awards show. One of the best parts of the show is seeing the legends get their due. Bad call, Academy.

In other news, I met Roger Corman last fall, here in Toronto at the Fan Expo. He was very gracious and signed a huge Masque of the Red Death poster for me.

Once again, sorry that story wasn't very good at all.

9:58 Best Supporting Actress. As if Mo'Nique has any competition. She was downright chilling in Precious. A captivating screen monster.

10:00 Mo'Nique it is. And she thanked pioneering black actress Hattie McDaniels and took a jab at Academy politics. Great speech, too bad it had to be so damn short.

10:06 Does Sigourney Weaver not age? Did she kill Dick Clark and drink his blood? I suspect as much...

10:08 Avatar wins for Best Art Direction. Makes sense to me. Goddamn gorgeous film. But let's leave it at that for Smurfs Cats, OK?

10:09 Joke win for the "clothes whores" jab about Sarah Jessica Parker, Steve Martin. Heh heh.

10:11 Do not stare directly into the boobie roses on Charlize Theron's dress, they will hypnotize you. You're getting sleepy...and horny...

10:17 Oh, and for all you John Hughes fans, you'll want to read about the upcoming book on him.

10:19 Baldwin and Martin doing a Paranormal Activity skit. Shoulda been way funnier. Where was the "Those aren't pillows!" line? Boo.

10:20 Why are those two actoids from Twilight hosting a tribute to horror films? Twilight ain't a horror film.

10:22 Wow, what a liberal interpretation of what a horror films is. Beetlejuice? Silence of the Lambs? And, again, Twilight? So, what was the point of that? Horror films exist? Hollywood makes horror films but they almost never get recognized? Uhh...

10:26 Hurt Locker wins for best sound editing. That movie goes BOOM! a lot. Audio nerds, this is your moment!

10:28 Hurt Locker wins again for Sound Mixing. And, I , uh, have nothing to day about that...

10:29 John Travolta is talking about Inglorious Basterds. John Travolta made Battlefield Earth, which won the Razzie for worst film of the decade. John Travolta wishes he could work with Quentin Tarantino again. John Travolta has spray-on hair. I think John Travolta is turning into the comic character Ziggy.

10:37 Avatar wins Best Editing. OK, seriously, that's enough, Smurf Cats. The editor wants to thank "visionary director James Cameron for having a great vision." Naturally.

10:40 James Taylor is singing live to salute the people in the motion picture industry that died this past year. Seemed shorter than previous years. Is that part of the new, more efficient Oscars or did less Hollywood types die this year? I dunno, but I do know that James Taylor looks an awful lot like Robert Duvall now. And Robert Duvall actually sings on the Crazy Heart soundtrack. Could they be merging into some sort of Jambert Tayvall? I don't wanna think about it...

10:46 Best Original Soundtrack. This is a tough one. I'd go with either The Hurt Locker (intense) or Fantastic Mr. Fox (whimsical and kinda weird in a fun way). James Horner's score for Avatar is way overstated and cliche. Therefore, it'll probably win. Also, this interpretive dance montage is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. I get it, someone at the Academy likes Glee.

10:51 Terrible, absolutely terrible. Wow.

10:52 Up wins. Very mainstream choice. Just glad Horner didn't win. Inspiring speech by winner Michael Giacchino about kids picking up a camera and making movies. Nicely done.

10:55 What? Avatar winning for Best Visual Effects?!? Shocking, absolutely shocking. Total upset! I've haven't been this surprised since my mom called me on my birthday.

10:58 Jason Bateman introduces Up in the Air. Love this film. Clooney's always solid these days and Jason Reitman is one of the best young American directors (Canadian born, as a reader reminder me!). It doesn't stand a chance against The Hurt Locker or Precious, but still...

11:00 Best Documentary. I think it's a joke that Anvil!: The Story of Anvil didn't get nominated. It won the Independent Spirit award and it deserves to be up there. That said, I'd go for Food Inc. here, which is a really important film about, how we get our food. The Cove is the heavy hitter here emotionally, though, and I'm guessing it'll win.

11:04 The Cove it is...

11:09 The preview for The Hurt Locker. It's really too bad no one saw this when it played theatres. With the big sound, explosions and tension, it really plays best on a big screen.

11:16 Best Foreign Language Film. The Argentinian film El secreto de sus ojos wins. Haven't seen it, and can't say the clips got me too interested. The director got played off, though. That orchestra is freakin' merciless!

11:20 Kathy Bates just intro'd the bit for Avatar. Strange choice. Somehow I just can't see her appreciating the film.

11:25 Best actor in a leading role. If Jeff Bridges doesn't win for Crazy Heart, I will hurl this computer into the sun. Nobody can touch him in this category. In fact, his goatee should win its own award for being awesome.

11:28 I like that both Morgan Freeman and George Clooney are both, like, "Another Academy Award show? Nah, I'll get a haircut next week, it's all good." Then there's Jeff Bridges: "I'm gonna grow my mop and chin broom specifically for the Oscars, hockey-playoff style."

11:32 The goddamn Dude abides! (Good thing, I don't have another computer.)

11:42 Best Actress. Meryl Streep was fun in Julia & Julia, capturing Julia Childs' zany personality, but she's won too often. Gabourey Sidibe is the clear fave here; she's got the big tear-jerker role. But above that, she makes you identify with her character so quickly and deeply in Precious that she deserves it. And yes, Helen Mirren is one hot older lady. Proof.

11:50  Sandra Bullock!!! You bleach your hair, affect an obviously put-on accent and then star in a cloying, glorified After School Special and win an Academy Award?!? Bollocks to Bullock, I say. Don't forget she one a Razzie for her performance All About Steve. That said, she did give a gracious, genuine acceptance speech.

11:54 Best Director. It should be Tarantino or Lee Daniels, as those guys really do some creative things with their camera and score some amazing performances. I'd take The Hurt Locker too, though.

11:56 Katherine Bigelow for Hurt Locker. Feels well-deserved. It also means that the film won't get Best Picture. Best Director is always the unofficial booby prize.

11:58 Finally, Best Picture...

11:59 Wow! I stand corrected. The Hurt Locker won best picture too. Very cool, gotta love the underdog story. I was sure Precious would take it, and that would be my pick, as much as I like Hurt Locker.

12:02 FYI, according to Box Office Mojo, The Hurt Locker took in a paltry $21 million worldwide in the theatre, so this must feel very vindicating. 

12:04 Well, that's four hours of Oscar blogging. My eyes hurt from all the glitz and glitter. Time to call it a night.

Thanks for reading.

And The Razzie Goes To...

If there’s one thing Hollywood does better than creating hype, it’s making bad movies, so thank the God of Keepin’ It Real for the Razzies. The anti-Academy Awards traditionally take place the night before the Oscars, in order to continue the tradition of “honoring Hollywood’s worst,” and tonight was no exception.

The full list of wieners is below, but first a bit about the awards, which have been around for three decades now. According to the official Razzies site, they’re “a light-hearted parody of award shows in general (and The Oscars in particular)” and their “well-aimed Darts of Derision have always been directed at Hollywood's High Profile Humiliations (rather than at the easier target of low-budget/drive-in fare).”

The man behind it all is John J.B. Wilson, who first started inviting friends over to his house for a potluck and pre-Oscar, movie mock session. He decided to formalize the event with a proper ceremony, invites and press releases, and within a few years it was getting major media coverage. Traditionally, the ceremony takes place the night before the Oscars, which is tonight.

I’ve copy and pasted the entire list for your (dis)approval, with the award winners highlighted, and then I’ve added some comments of my own).

 

WORST PICTURE of 2009
All About Steve
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Land of the Lost
Old Dogs
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

 

-I’m happy to say that I didn’t have to sit through any of these films, and I was right about Transformers winning. Old Dogs, by all evidence (meaning John Travolta, Robin Williams and the 80 pounds of pancake makeup on their faces) could technically be worse, but the Razzies always seems happier to put the larger budget, more obnoxious titles in their places.

WORST ACTOR of 2009
All Three Jonas Brothers (Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience)
Will Ferrell (Land of the Lost)
Steve Martin (Pink Panther 2)
Eddie Murphy (Imagine That)
John Travolta (Old Dogs)

-I suspect that one day they’ll name a category after Razzie favourite John Travolta, which is why I’m surprised the Jonas Brothers won. I guess it’s kinda funny nominating them for playing themselves, although making fun of the Jonas Brothers is like shooting fish in a barrel… with a bazooka. And too bad about Steve Martin, I just don’t understand why he’d even attempt to fill the shoes of Peter Sellers.

WORST ACTRESS of 2009
Beyonce (Obsessed)
Sandra Bullock (All About Steve)
Miley Cyrus (Hannah Montana: The Movie)
Megan Fox (Jennifer's Body and Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)
Sarah Jessica Parker (Did You Hear About the Morgans?)

 

-Sandra Bullock said that she’d actually accept her Worst Actress award for All About Steve in-person if she won, and she did but I can’t find anything stating that she actually made good on that promise. (Probably the most famous winner/loser is Oscar winner Halle Berry, who showed up to take her award for Catwoman.) Although a bunch of Oscar winners have been Razzie winners before (Angelina Jolie, Liza Minnelli and Kim Basinger), this is the first time an actor was nominated for both in the same year. (For a list of Razzies winners who accepted their awards, go here.)

WORST SCREEN COUPLE of 2009
Any Two (or More) Jonas Brothers (Jonas Brothers: The 3-D Concert Experience)
Sandra Bullock & Bradley Cooper (All About Steve)
Will Ferrell & Any Co-Star, Creature or "Comic Riff" (Land of the Lost)
Shia LeBouf & EITHER Megan Fox OR Any Transformer (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen)
Kristin Stewart & EITHER Robert Pattinson OR Taylor Whatz-His-Fang (Twilight Saga: New Moon)

 

-Two awards for Bullock’s performance in All About Steve; I almost wanna see this one out of curiosity. Er, almost…

WORST SUPPORTING ACTRESS of 2009
Candice Bergen (Bride Wars)
Ali Larter (Obsessed)
Sienna Miller (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra)
Kelly Preston (Old Dogs)
Julie White (as Mom) (Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, or "Trannies, Too")

 

-Well, at least she looked good as Baroness. Kinda.

WORST SUPPORTING ACTOR of 2009
Billy Ray Cyrus (Hannah Montana: The Movie)
Hugh Heffner (as Himself) (Miss March)
Robert Pattinson (Twilight Saga: New Moon)
Jorma Taccone (as Cha-Ka) (Land of the Lost)
Marlon Wayans (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra)

-I hear he won by a mullet. Ha ha, you’ll never live that down, goofball. That said, I wish that wet bag of pout Robert Pattison would’ve won.

WORST REMAKE, RIP-OFF or SEQUEL
(Combined Category for 2009)
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
Land of the Lost
Pink Panther 2 (A Rip-Off of a Sequel to a Remake)
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen
Twilight Saga: New Moon

-This is the biggest surprise. I guess I hadn’t realized the film was so panned (25% fresh on Rotten Tomatoes). You’d think having Will Ferrell and Danny McBride in your film would amount to something a lot better than that. And I just don’t see how it could possibly out-suck something from Michael Bay.

WORST DIRECTOR of 2009
Michael Bay (Transformers: Rise of the Fallen, a.k.a. "Trannies, Too")
Walt Becker (Old Dogs)
Brad Silberling (Land of the Lost)
Stephen Sommers (G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra)
Phil Traill (All About Steve)

-See, Bay, the most consistently hackish filmmaker in Hollywood picked up his rightful trophy for Worst Director. And, man, you gotta be terrible to win over Stephen Sommers – the guy who made Deep Rising, Van Helsing and two of the Mummy movies.

WORST SCREENPLAY of 2009
All About Steve, Screenplay by Kim Barker
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra, Screenplay by Stuart Beattie and David Elliot & Paul Lovett, Based on Hasbro's G.I. JOE Characters.
Land of the Lost, Written by Chris Henchy & Dennis McNicholas, Based on Sid & Marty Krofft's TV Series
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Written by Ehren Kruger & Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman, Based on Hasbro's Transformers Action Figures
Twilight Saga: New Moon, Screenplay by Melissa Rosenberg, Based on the Novel by Stephenie Meyer

-Yep, terribleness all around. Take a bow, you hacks, and by take a bow I mean hang your heads in shame.

WORST PICTURE of the DECADE
(3 Special 30th RAZZIE-versary Awardz)
Battlefield Earth - Nominated for 10 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 8 (Including Worst Drama of Our First 25 Yrs)
Freddy Got Fingered - Nominated for 9 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 5
Gigli - Nominated for 10 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 7 (Including Worst Comedy of Our First 25 Yrs)
I Know Who Killed Me - Nominated for 9 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 8
Swept Away - Nominated for 9 RAZZIES / "Winner" of 5

 

-AWESOME! In a recent radio interview I picked Battlefield Earth as the worth film of the past decade. Glad to know I’m not the only one who laughs at the altar of this movie’s multi-faceted idiocy. Seriously, name an award after Travolta.

WORST ACTOR of the DECADE
Ben Affleck (Nominated for 9 "Achievements," "Winner" of 2 RAZZIES)
Eddie Murphy (Nominated for 12 "Achievements," "Winner" of 3 RAZZIES)
Mike Myers (Nominated for 4 "Achievements," "Winner" of 2 RAZZIES)
Rob Schneider (Nominated for 6 "Achievements," "Winner" of 1 RAZZIE)
John Travolta (Nominated for 6 "Achievements," "Winner" of 3 RAZZIES)

 

-Wow, somehow Murphy managed to out-lame Travolta. Well done, sir. You’ve come a long way (down) since you were the funniest guy out there in the ‘80s and early ‘90s.

WORST ACTRESS of the DECADE
Mariah Carey (The Single Biggest Individual Vote Getter of the Decade: 70+% of ALL Votes for Worst Actress of 2001)
Paris Hilton (Nominated for 5 "Achievements," "Winner" of 4 RAZZIES)
Lindsay Lohan (Nominated for 5 "Achievements," "Winner" of 3 RAZZIES)
Jennifer Lopez (Nominated for 9 "Achievements," "Winner" of 2 RAZZIES)
Madonna (Nominated for 6 "Achievements,""Winner" of 4 RAZZIES)

 

-Mmm, this one doesn’t seem right, seeing as Hilton is barely a human being, much less an actress. And every single nominee on this list has had at least one pop radio hit, proving that suckiness is close to more suckiness.

.

On that note, check back here tonight for Oscar live blogging, so I can make fun of the people and films that are, apparently, um, “good.”

 

-Dave Alexander

Of Course It’s Time to Write About Hockey

If ever there was a reason to get all syrupy-eyed about being Canadian, this past weekend of the Olympics was it. The home turf, the hockey, the record number of gold medals, the surge in national pride, the hockey, the not too sucky closing ceremonies – did I mention the hockey? Damn, not even having to watch Nickelback stink up the Sunday night festivities could take the nuclear glow off that overtime hockey win.

So, in honour of our hard-earned stick supremacy, and the stress ulcer I probably developed while watching the last half of the men’s gold medal game, let’s take a look at the famous short film that best explains why our hearts are held together with skate laces and hockey tape: The Sweater.

Sheldon Cohen’s ten-minute-long animation, which celebrates its 30^th anniversary this year, was produced by the National Film Board of Canada. The tale, which was first heard on the radio in 1979 (and in 1985 was adapted into a children’s book), is based on a childhood recollection by Roch Carrier. In the crudely but endearingly animated short, a boy living village of Ste. Justine, Quebec, in 1946, joins all the other boys his age in worshipping Montreal Canadians superstar Maurice “Rocket” Richard. They listen to the games on the radio, they know all of his stats, they cut his picture out of the newspaper, and they all wear his #9 jersey. Our narrator explains that hockey, particularly The Rocket’s Canadians, formed that backbone of his childhood. The Sweater follows the boy’s reaction to the ultimate catastrophe when his mother orders him a new sweater from Eaton’s but the company accidentally sends the jersey of – gasp! – The Canadians’ biggest rival. Disbelief, angst and hilarity ensue. It’s such a vivid depiction of certain place, time and feeling, all tied into the sport, that you couldn’t ask for a better explanation of exactly what the hell it is about Canucks and pucks.

Along with The Log Driver’s Waltz and The Big Snit, The Sweater is one of those classic animated short films you’ve seen played time and time again on the CBC. This one, however, even gets referenced on the back of our five dollar bills, with a kid skating on a pond while wearing a #9 jersey.

It might be a #87 Sidney Crosby jersey instead of a #9 Rocket Richard sweater, and it’s probably being ordered online instead via mail, but The Sweater still speaks to the feelings of every Canadian kid out there dreaming of glory on ice. Cheers to both men’s and women’s Olympic hockey teams for a job well done.

 

(FYI: you can also watch The Sweater and the above mentioned films on the NFB website, here, which hosts loads of homegrown shorts, and has a bunch of stills from the film, including the one above.)

 

-Dave Alexander

The Trouble With Tarantulas

Modesty, Klingons, receding hair and tarantulas – all them have been the enemy of William Shatner at one time or another. But it’s his epic battle against the last one that’s my favourite, in the 1977 nature run amok film Kingdom of the Spiders.

I’ve been fascinated with this movie since I was but a wee, bug-despising lad and caught a few minutes of it on television. Among the scenes that I watched was one freak-out featuring a dead guy in a truck who’s ghoulishly covered in webbing. It scared the hell out of me for years later, as I was sure tarantulas would come crawling out of my closet and from under my bed to cocoon me during the night. But, when, as slightly less spider-shocked adult, I tracked the movie down on video, I discovered one of the most fun killer creepy-crawly movies ever made.

Shatner stars as country veterinarian Robert “Rack” Hansen, who loves ridin’ the range as much as romancing the ladies, and the only thing he wears better than a cowboy hat and tight pants is a mischievous smirk. When a local farmer – played by beloved character actor Woody Strode – discovers his livestock are being preyed on by legions of tarantulas that have built gigantic mounds in his field, Rack tries to make sense of the normally solitary creatures’ behaviour. To help his unravel the mystery, and eventually give in to his inescapable charm, is lady scientist Diane Ashley (Tiffany Bolling). Together they discover each other… oh yeah, and that the mass tarantula attacks are caused by pesticides, making or a nice environmental message. Before they can stem the attacks, though, the eight-legged invasion is on. Along with a handful of others, our heroes board up the doors and windows of a motel – Night of the Living Dead-style – as a sea of spiders attacks the town. (Naturally, Shatner handles the situation, after all, he did have practice during the Star Trek “Trouble With Tribbles” episode.)

Few, if any, B-movies are this ambitious. The filmmakers used what must’ve been dozens and dozens of real tarantulas in certain scenes to give the proper invasion effect, and it’ll make your skin crawl. Plus, the actors really go for it, letting themselves get covered from head to toe in real arachnids; even Shatner has one on his face at one point!

You can also see some of them get squished, which hasn’t exactly made the movie a PETA must-watch. It does make it a very unique, they-don’t-make-‘em-like-they-used-to kinda film, however. Director John “Bud” Cardos, who made a bunch of well-known drive-in flicks, including Satan’s Sadists, Nightmare in Wax and Hell’s Angels on Wheels, wasn’t afraid to terrorize child actors with the critters, stage elaborate stunt sequences (including a bi-plane crash caused by the creatures!) or even glue a live one on to the back of a live rat! The ‘70s duds, some cheezoid plastic spiders and the campy performance of Bill S. only make Kingdom of the Spiders more outrageously likable, of course.

Now, if you owned the previous cheap-o pan and scan version, you’ll definitely need to upgrade to Shout! Factory’s just released special edition, which has a cleaned up print, vintage poster art on the cover (which on first glance seems to depict Shatner holding his burning, erect manhood… snicker, snicker), audio commentary from Cardos and others, and featurettes, including a new interview with El Shatareeno about the film. He talks about how he loved the chance to ride a horse in the movie, how it was difficult to find actors willing to work with spiders, and then, well, he just kinda rambles on about stuff that doesn’t make a lotta sense but is great for laugh – you can’t help but love the guy.

Kingdom of the Spiders just ain’t one of his best movies, I’d say it’s the best killer spider movie ever made. So step inside Shatner’s web, if ya got the guts.

 

-Dave Alexander

Jackie Earle Haley Checks in From Vancouver

He may be building a career playing guys you wouldn’t wanna be locked in a room with, but Jackie Earle Haley, a.k.a. Kelly Leak in the original Bad News Bears films, a.k.a. Rorschach in The Watchmen, a.k.a. the new Freddy Kruger in the upcoming remake of Nightmare on Elm Street, a.k.a. a criminally insane inmate in Shutter Island, is a very likable dude, at least on the phone. I did a quick interview with him this past Friday, for which he called from Vancouver to explain just how friggin’ cool it is to be in Martin Scorsese’s latest movie, the aforementioned Shutter Island.

 

For starters, what are you doing in Vancouver? Checking out the games?

 

“I’m out here working on a TV show called Human Target. I’m having a blast out here; I really thought I was going to avoid the Olympics at all costs because I’m living downtown, but I’ve really been sucked into the entire mood. It’s really infectious, it’s really fun. I’ve been walking downtown in the throngs of people from all over the place. I went and looked at the Olympic flame and I’ve been taking a bunch of pictures.”

 

What the best part of it all?

 

“What’s really exciting is watching this stuff on TV in the city where it’s going on at. The view from my window looks just like the view from behind all the TV anchors. It’s fun when you can see a plane land on TV and I can hear it through my window. This is one of the most beautiful places on the planet, and I’ve been all over.”

 

Well, the Olympics are great ‘n’ all, but holy crap, man, you got to make a movie with Martin Scorsese! Do tell.

 

“I can’t even get my head around it, and I just went to the premiere! Dude, it was so incredibly exciting and… wow! It was just unreal. I got to go out there and spend a couple weeks working with Marty and Leo [DiCaprio] and Michelle [Williams]. It was this unreal experience, working with the master.”

 

And you even get to call to him “Marty.”

 

“Isn’t that cool?!?”

 

What is he like on set?

 

“He’s a super sweet guy and he really knows what he’s doing, he knows what he wants. He’s got such cinematic and storytelling ability; he just understands every single aspect of filmmaking, and it was just a joy to work for the guy, to sit there and listen to him ramble on about historical film knowledge. I remember Leo’s doing this shot where he’s reacting to sounds that are off-camera, and Marty leans over and says, [affecting Scorsese’s New York accent] ‘Y’know the first guy that did this – y’know, with sounds off-camera – was in 1928 and the guy’s name was such-‘n’-such, and then about eight years later this other guy took it a little further.’ He literally went through seven decades of history to the bit that got us the shot. It was brilliant.”

 

I haven’t seen the film yet, so tell me a bit about your character.

 

“I play a character named George Noyce [pictured], and he’s a patient – or an inmate, depending on how you wanna look at it – in the psychiatric ward on this island. I play the pivotal scene with Leo’s character, Teddy, in the movie. It’s this cool scene, and it’s a really cool movie.”

 

He’s frightening looking in the trailer. Is this another character where you underwent a physical transformation? Are you buried under makeup?

 

“There’s some bruises and stuff, but not too much, not as much as Elias Koteas’ character [Laeddis – a hideously scarred inmate]. Not that bad.”

 

So, how did you get involved with the film in the first place?

 

“That’s an easy one to answer: Marty called my agent and said, ‘I’ve chosen Jackie to play George Noyce,’ and our response was, ‘That’s awesome, where would you like us, sir? [laughs] Where do we report?”

 

Had Scorsese cast you after seeing Watchmen?

 

“No, I…. [pause] I almost forgot – I made him an audition tape for The Departed! My audition tape was too late in the process by the time they got it, though. The response was that Marty said, ‘This guy is awesome, we wanna put him in the movie, but we already cast all the parts.’”

 

You’re becoming quite a sought-after character actor. Are there any iconic roles that you’d love to play in the future?

 

“Santa Claus. Then we could have a double feature of Nightmare on Elm Street and Santa Clause 8, or whatever.”

 

Um, Santa Clause? Really?

 

“Naw, there’s nothing sitting on the table where I wish I could play that character in that thing.”

 

So right now you’re just happy to go with the flow. How would you describe your sudden burst in popularity so many years after starting out as a child actor in the Bad News Bears movies?

 

“It’s just been a rollercoaster ride and I’m on it with my hands in the air, going, ‘Whooo-whooo!’”

 

-Dave Alexander

Lamentations of a Blu-ray Outcast

For a movie geek, I’m surprisingly slow at adapting to the latest, greatest movie-watching technology. I stuck with VHS longer than most of the folks I knew, finally giving in – or “upgrading,” and some non-Luddites say – when I got a Mac laptop with a DVD player. Or maybe it was because I’m such a movie lover that I held out, not wanting to re-buy that extensive collection on another format. Or perhaps I just don’t handle change well – after all, VHS was all I’d ever known for many years. (At least I dodged the laser disc bullet.)

Of course, as much as I disliked having to rebuild my movie collection, my greedy side craved all those extras, my snooty cineaste side needed the correct aspect ratio, and from a practical standpoint, a smaller package meant more shelf space for an even larger collect. OK, those reasons, and there’s obvious selling point of improved image quality, but that was never a priority. I watch a lot of older films and a lot of genre B-movies, and often they didn’t look that great to begin with. I love that warm, organic quality of celluloid, and some movies simply don’t benefit from clarity (case in point: the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which is meant to be muddy-looking; it adds the documentary realism that makes it so damn frightening). I’m the type who would rather watch a scratchy film than a pristine digital projection. A film snob? Maybe.

So, Blu-ray doesn’t hold the same appeal as DVD did because the main selling point is the image quality – and you lose some of those DVD extras to precious disc space needed for all those bytes. Hmm… then again, the packages are even thinner, so additional shelf means an even larger collection! But, then again, because there’s been such a push-on for Blu-ray, DVDs have been dropping in price, and I’ve been buying up cheap movies. I could stop buying now and still have enough to watch for the better part of a year. Oh yeah, and if you’re gonna get a Blu-ray player, you gotta have a hi-def TV, which I can’t afford right now. And so on and so forth…

This is the discussion I’ve been having with myself about this whole leap to Blu-ray situation. Yet I suspect none of it will influence my decision as much as the Blu-ray Mafia. No, I’m not talking about consumer strong-arm tactics.

The Blu-ray Mafia is comprised of my movie-lovin’ friends who treat their Blu-ray players like memberships in an exclusive club and take much joy in my exclusion from the hi-def party. They don’t even call it “Blu-ray” but simply “the ray,” and without one, I’ve become a veritable pixel peasant. My cries of not wanting to re-buy my movies is met with derision and explanations about how Blu-ray “up-converts” regular – pfft – DVDs, so I still hang on to the silly antiques.

I hear all about how once I start watching on Blu-ray, I won’t even be able to watch regular old DVDs anymore, how I’ll just have a very large collection of drink coasters, makeshift Christmas tree ornaments and plastic mirrors that I can take with me hiking in case I get lost and have to signal a plane. And, the ultimate insult: the bastards refer to my DVDs as “Brown-rays.” Brown-rays! So harsh.

The Blu-ray Mafia is leaning hard on me, but for now I’m holding out. One day soon, I may even join the analogue Amish and start trolling the flea markets for Beta-Max.

[above image from here]

 

-Dave Alexander

A Story About a Song About The Story of Anvil

If you love great documentaries, rock music, underdog stories or Canadian pop culture, you’ve probably seen Anvil!: The Story of Anvil. If not, I assume you’re in prison and you’re not reading this anyhow – there’s just no other excuse for not seeing one of the greatest music docs/Canadian films ever made. Sacha Gervasi’s award-winning tale of the 30-year-old lovable but Spinal Tap-like hoser metal band Anvil has been getting a lot of love everywhere to the point where it’s becoming a genuine pop culture phenomenon.

I heard proof of this tonight while listening to Alan Cross’ Explore Music show on the radio (essential listening if you’re a music lover). He talked about a new song by Toronto hip hop artist D-Sisive (pictured in the mask), based on Anvil!: The Story of Anvil. On the show, which is archived on the Explore Music site, D-sisive talks about how he watched the film and fell in love with it. He even recognized some of the locations and figured out that he basically lives in the same neighbourhood as Anvil singer Rob “Lips” Kudlow, and even started driving by the singer’s house.

Eventually this minor “stalking” resulted in the song “Anvil.” It uses samples from the documentary, opening with a clip of Lips saying, “The way I look at it, really, is that it can never get any worse, so even if it never gets better, that’s the way it is” and ending with musing that “The reality of it is, we’re not getting any younger” so you gotta play music while you can. “Anvil” is a reflective song, in which D-Sisive raps about his own career and how he works hard but still doesn’t have that much to show for himself.

In the interview he admits to laughing at the band at first, but then professes respect for them; you get the sense that he sees the group as both a kindred spirit and a warning.

One line compares D-Sisive (real name: Derek Christoff) and his collaborator Rob Baker to Lips and Lips’ childhood best friend/Anvil drummer Robb Reiner: “I mean it when I say, ‘Derek Christoff and Rob-o Baker will never be Lips and Rob-o,’catering kindergarten kids in Scarborough, trying to living the dream, depending on tomorrow.” It’s not quite clear if he’s rapping that he’ll never live up to Lips’ hard working, never-give-up nature, or if he’s saying that he’ll never let himself become a musician who has to work a blue collar day job to get by. I’d say a bit of both.

You can hear for yourself, here, where you can download or stream the track, but be quick because it might not be up there long. Spinner just ran this article saying that the Anvil! camp was not impressed by the unsanctioned sampling (FYI: the song also uses chunks of the track “Werewolf Head” by Dead Man’s Bones, which is actor Ryan Gosling’s band). According to the article, D-Sisive “prepped a remix of the song, replacing the Anvil clips and references with content from classic hoser comedy FUBAR.” The new version of the song is embedded in the article, apparently, but it doesn’t seem to play.

For more on D-Sisive, go here; for more on Anvil! The Story of Anvil, go here, and for more on FUBAR, go here.

For a picture on an actual anvil, go here.

 

 

-Dave Alexander

Ha Ha Ha Ha Hackers

Let’s go back in time, to a year called 1995. The DVD was announced, eBay and Yahoo were founded, Toy Story, the first feature-length computer-animated film was released and a Hollywood movie about cyber culture hits theatres. The title: Hackers. The tagline: “Boot up or shut up.” The concept: “United Artists welcomes you to the new world.” The dialogue: “Hack the planet,” “It’s too much machine for you” and “You wanna be an elite? You gotta do a seriously righteous hack!” This was Hollywood taking a subculture and sexing it up while reducing it to a series of catchphrases. And a decade-and-a-half later, it’s utterly hilarious. After all, nothing dates a film worse than technology, so a film about new technology is going to retain all the hipness of pogs, Crystal Pepsi or Hypercolor T-shirts.

Johnny Lee Miller – still best known as Sick Boy in Trainspotting – stars as Dade Murphey, a hacker whose handle is “Crash Override” (which sounds a little too much like the Playstation game Crash Bandicoot, released the next year). We meet Dade when he’s an eleven-year-old on trial for – what else?!? – hacking, under the pseudonym “Zero Cool.”

We now know that this kid is a serious hotshot – awesome!

Flash forward and eighteen-year-old Dade is up to his old tricks, hacking into a television station and changing its programming for kicks. He’s also moved to New York City, where he meets a bunch of other hackers at his school who also like to rollerblade, play videogames (at a sort-of cyber café that looks like a cross between a video arcade, a funhouse and a Tron-themed flea market), pose with various Coke products and dress like they were kicked out of Oingo Boingo because they couldn’t “tone it down.” Among them is Kate (a.k.a. “Acid Burn”) a pouty girl hacker in a boy’s world played by a very fresh-faced Angelina Jolie, and Emmanual Goldstein (a.k.a. “Cereal Killer”), played by Mathew Lillard as one of the most irritating comic relief characters ever laid to film. He looks like a guy who’d get beat up at Burning Man Festival for drinking glow sticks, and he rattles off one liners such as, “This is a wake-up call to the Nintendo Generation!”)

When one of the hackers with something to prove because “I don’t have an identity because I don’t have a handle” breaks into a corporate computer and steals a “garbage” file that actually contains an incriminating virus meant to siphon money from the company, the entire group is pursued by “The Plague.” He’s the Jolt Cola drinkin’, skateboard ridin’, trenchcoat wearin’ bad guy, the hacker responsible for the malicious software – which will also cause oil tankers to spill, creating an ecological disaster. But, he’s also the company’s computer security guy and will stop at nothing to protect his secret, even sending the Feds after the group. Now the raver nerd Scooby gang must go on the run and unite other hackers in order to launch a group hack in order to clear their names. Group hack – yeah!

The movie was trying so, so very hard to be cool and cutting edge, including having characters drool over a 28bps modem, dig through reams of dot matrix printer paper while looking for evidence, and receive instructions such as, “Turn on your laptop; set it to receive a file.” But of all the hilariously dated cyber shenanigans cluttering this film’s desktop, the funniest is the way in which director Iain Softley (K-Pax, Inkheart) decided to visualize all this rogue computing. He actually shows flying numbers and spinning equations flying around in monitors, and even the past characters’ heads. While the current cliché is to show a scroll of green 1’s and 0’s, this was before The Matrix, so “hacking” in Hackers still consists of the good old spinning and flying digital digits. So nostalgic… . Makes you wonder what the future of cinematic “computing” will look like – personally, I’m hoping that abacus holograms catch on and become de rigeur.

Of course, in another fifteen years someone will be writing a similar article about a cyber culture movie that hilariously has characters using Blackberries and listening to “Mp3s” on – ha ha ha! – iPods. Therefore, it’s our job to laugh if up as much as possible in the meantime, while we still can.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to find a way to make my laptop computer interface with a phone line so I can hack into a bank machine and prove to everyone on the Information Superhighway who’s really elite.

 

-Dave Alexander